The Hoot’s Corner Curmudgeon -- To Government Aid or Not to Government Aid?

PROPOSITION: The problem with this country is that there are too many people who begin discussions with the phrase “The problem with this country...”

TO WIT: This morning Sally Cooper, the newest and youngest reporter for The Hoot’s Corner Budget dropped by to “talk through” her most recent ethical dilemma. You see, Sally graduated from Harvard College with a degree in Moral Philosophy and a minor in Political Science. Some would see those two as contradictory, but for Sally, a peaches and cream complexion natural blonde whose father owns the newspaper, the real rub came when she began her reporting gig. Face it, there aren’t many jobs out there for Moral Philosophy majors, so the family business was a natural alternative to a “do you want an extra shot of expresso in that latte?” type of job.

          Reporting the “truth” had come up against the hard reality of newspaper economics for Sally. Here’s her conundrum:

A recent survey of the residence of Hoot’s Corner by The Pew & Bench Public Opinion Group, showed that only one person in the entire town had never received some form of government aid.

For the rest of us—everything from food stamps to farm subsidies, from home purchase allowances to Cash for Clunkers, from school aid to subsidized college tuition, and from tornado and flood disaster relief to Extension Service advice on home gardens—some form of government assistance has made our lives easier, our cares less burdensome.

The one person who had not succumbed to the highly addictive “drug” of government aid was John Harington, the town’s foremost industrialist and its largest private sector employer – Harington Amalgamated Toilet Seats, LLC.

          Known locally as HATS, the company has been more or less recession proof, never suffering from economic ups and downs. HATS was founded in 1926 by the late Maxine Ellsworth Harington, John’s doting mother. Mrs. Harington is also widely known locally for her philanthropic activities on behalf of feral cats.

          The City Council is in the planning stages to present Mr. Harington with a plaque acknowledging his record of avoiding government subsidies of any sort, but Sally discovered something in government files. Using the Freedom of Information Act Sally uncovered the fact that while Mr. Harington has never personally received government aid, his company has been selling airplane toilet seats to the Pentagon for $600 each since the 1960s, and that the vaunted toilet seats that HATS made for the International Space Station had contracted out at a mere $1,299 each. The very same item at the Home-boy Depot retails for $24.95.

          Sally whined, “The problem with this country is that everyone gets some sort of government help, yet everyone rants about the taxes to pay for all that aid, especially Mr. Harington, who spends large sums of money buying Tea Party ads in Daddy’s newspaper. How can I remain morally honest to myself if I do not report the $600 toilet seats as a form of government aid to HATS (a wholey own company of Mr. Harington)? But how do I keep Daddy happy if do report them?” Sounds like a great topic for a doctoral dissertation in moral philosophy.

Point. And period.