The Hoot’s Corner Curmudgeon -- Cash for Clunkers

PROPOSITION: The problem with this country is that there are too many people who begin discussions with the phrase “The problem with this country...”

TO WIT: In 2009 Herman Meister sauntered into my place, announcing his presence with “The problem with this country is them damned tax and spend Democrats.” He then proceeded to launch into a lengthy diatribe against the stimulus package and its impact on the long term economic stability of the United States.

          For those unfamiliar with Herman, it should be noted that Herman relishes the fact that he “lives off the grid.” He has no mailing address, no TV, no telephone (cell or land-line), no Internet, no radio, and brags about the fact that he has not paid taxes since 1954. The only newspapers he reads are the ones in which his bottles of absinthe come wrapped. Herman’s son-in-law/nephew bootlegs the banned booze in from Mexico, so the newspapers that Herman claims to read are in Spanish; no one has yet to determine if Herman can read Spanish. But I digress.

          Regardless of what sources of information Herman does not consult on any form of a regular basis, he is generally misinformed on all topics, a fact that has never stopped him from offering his profound and highly un-thought-out opinions on virtually everything.

          Having completed his dissertation on the evils of the economic stimulus package, Herman then informed me with delight that he had just inked a deal for a new car, the first in his life time. The car was purchased under the “Cash for Clunkers” program. Herman traded in his 1962 Ford Galaxie for a new Focus.

          The $4,500 that sweetened Herman’s deal for the new car was made even sweeter by the fact that twice in the last 47 years the Galaxie was totaled in car wrecks and Herman had been paid off by insurance companies for the “fair market value” of the car both times. Herman hoped that the fact that he had installed a 1947 Cummins diesel engine in the Galaxie the last time it was totaled would escape notice until all of the paper work had passed government approval. It seems that a 1947 Cummins diesel engine gets better gas mileage than the government requires in 2009 under the Cash for Clunkers program.

          Timidly I asked he thought he was being disingenuous by condemning the economic stimulus package while taking advantage of it? After he spit chewing tobacco juice into the old Crisco can he carries for such purposes (note: he stopped smoking in 1974 when he learned that the government was putting chemicals in cigarettes that caused him to wheeze when he breathed), Herman opined, “Heck no. It’s the American way—get all that you can while you can, and if I got mine and you didn’t get yours, then that’s your problem.”

          Point. And peiod.